It's been a while since I've done one of these, I know. It's not that I haven't had things to be grateful for. That's not even close to what's going on. I think right now it's that there's so much that it's become difficult to compile each specific thing into these lists. It's a good thing, having this insurmountable gratitude that I can't express. It makes me feel, well--happy.
Happiness isn't a topic that's covered too generously in this blog. It's not that I've had a life that has lead me to be depressed or misanthropic or ungrateful for all of the good around me. I think it's more the fact that people continually disappoint me--but that's not what today's post is all about.
Today's post is about the future, about the changes that I know that I can make in myself. It's about the life that I'm looking forward to leading, the friends who have come along and completely changed how I see my day to day. It's about this new trend of doing something with myself that I've ignored for so very long.
When I first moved to Portland, I really felt like I was doing something. I was getting out and I wasn't going back. I dropped everything--school, work, friends, family--all in an effort to 'do something.' When we finally made it out here, we were elated. We were relieved at the notion of never having to deal with another Midwest winter. We were sad to lose all of the closeness that we had with our friends, but happy for the distance between us. It made those friendships that much more special. We didn't know how the next two years were going to play out. I think the unknown was the most attractive part of our journey.
Then Fortland happened. It's not something that Dean and I like to dwell on too often. Maybe after we move far, far away from here we will rehash it. Maybe not. But Fortland was what really skewed our perception of Portland. And you know what? I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful that our first year out here wasn't sunshine and roses. I'm glad that I was fired from a job that I hated. I'm happy that I came from leading a life of pure, unadulterated love only to enter a world that I so closely hated. It's completely blueprinted my next five years.
Now that I am free from the reigns of H&M (see, I finally said it. That was the place of employment that stemmed all of those miserable nights and even more miserable blog posts) I can look back and, in a way, be thankful for all of those horrible nights of closing. It was one of those horrible nights back in January that lead me to what I am doing right now--preparing to go to my new campus to interview for a position on the newspaper. That's right, folks.
For as much as I hated it, for how miserable I actually was, if not for that horrible job--I wouldn't be doing what I am doing right this second. I am so incredibly grateful that I am a person who allows fate to happen. I don't try to step in the way, I don't make an attempt to predict my future--this wild world we live in has its own plans. These plans are laid out, all forks in the road. Remember those 'choose your own adventure' stories we all read as kids? I guess it's kind of like that. I think all of the choices I have made in the past are finally catching up to me and making sense. Had I done one thing differently, my life wouldn't be the same.
I wouldn't be feeling this overwhelming bliss that I'm feeling now.
I wouldn't be in the process of getting paid for what I love to do.
I wouldn't be on the path to finally getting my college degree.
And I wouldn't be living in an apartment in suburban Portland with the love of my life.
Everything happens for a reason.
When shit hits the fan, I mean really hits the fan, it becomes so hard to see things that way.
Love outweighs all. Not some over-translated book, not the sun, not Buddha--it's all about the here and now, friends. The people I've met, the things that I've had the opportunities to do that nobody else has, this happiness that could not have been brought on by anything else other than by my own actions.
I believe in me.
I am grateful for me.
In this tumultuous world we live in--it's hard to set things aside and really be grateful for you.
Try it sometime.